Snowed out!  We’ve had several rehearsals cancelled on account of the weather and it has set us back in several ways.  But let me begin with a recap.

On February 21, we gathered together to work on lines.  “When the director’s away, the actors will play” ought to be one of those maxims of the theater.  We stumbled, bumbled and plumbled our way through twice.  We were giddy with our own awfulness!  The first time through was a real disaster–one verbal train wreck after another.  But we didn’t care.  It was fun, probably because of that old Viola Spolin notion about “Approval/Disapproval”–there was no one there to please.  Try as we might, years of professional work notwithstanding, we all want the director’s approval.  And we don’t like it when we don’t get it!  So, when it is “just us,” there is a feeling of freedom–to fail, make an ass of one’s self and generally just PLAY.  And in that freedom to play, I think we find new things–things that cannot be found otherwise.  We can’t officially have this kind of rehearsal built in, but I feel it is a necessary and very useful part of the process.

More specifically to the show, however, I made what I think is a valid discovery.  The stories potential has to be brought on stage.  The story is not really discovered in the scene, but rather the “characters”  seem to seek opportunities to reveal their stories.  (I place character in quotes not to be cheeky or ironic, but to qualify the description of these enactments.  I’m not prepared to characterize any of these behavior sets as characters.)  So, motivation doesn’t arise in the usual cause and effect way.  New units (beats), changes in intent and subject have to be embedded and simply learned by heart.  And this is what makes some of the lines so damn hard to learn!  Some things just come out of –well, not nowhere, but from a place less usual than in traditional western dramatic form.

The other delightful aspect of the rehearsal was that a window had been built and we could play upon it.  There are three windows total, but on that day just one was up.  I am a very physical actor and I had the best time–like a kid on the monkey bars.  Part of the fun is the foundation a physical object provides–and a window on which you can climb, sit, and generally shape around is a fantastic foundation!  Certainly, it can be a crutch.  I have had to admonish many students for clinging ferociously to a chair or table.  That kind of behavior, as we know, is fear-based.  “Just give me something to hold on to!”  I suffer from that, too. (Who doesn’t?)  That said, the window is part of the fabric of the play and with them the play begins to materialize and even those treacherous lines arrive more easily.

So, yesterday, after two cancellations, we got back together, sort of on the fly.  Rehearsing on Saturday morning is not anyone’s idea of fun, but it had to be done.  With less than two weeks to opening, we can feel the pressure to perform well up within and push from without.  So, the director naturally seeks to find the rhythm of scenes and variety in behaviors that will deliver the play effectively to an audience.  And, like a car in first gear, the actors want to feel that organic flow of energy that releases a fully formed performance.  But we have not earned the right to either.  What’s always difficult about this moment of the rehearsal process is that just when actors really need to focus on process–discovery the source of behaviors and how best to allow them to manifest organically–the director really needs to focus on shaping the play for an audience.  There is inevitable push and pull, that can feel like (and easily be mistaken for) tension or conflict, but really is the natural outcome of two forces working towards the same end, but from different sides.  It’s like chasing a pea on your plate with two forks.  Unless your aim is true, the timing exact, and the forces even applied, you’ll never get what you want.  Or maybe it’s like two people chasing the same pea on the plate, trying to feed the baby.  Or maybe it’s like catching a greased pig.  Whatever it is, it ain’t easy and can lead to discontent.  Fortunately, this group is very friendly and sublimates any tension into silliness and the occasional curse when lines and/or business goes awry.  But it speaks to the need for compassion, patience and most importantly, understanding of each sides needs.

Today, we’re back at it, this time in the evening, and then back again Monday morning.  The director encouraged me to think about one character (“Leonard”) as wanting to be liked.  I don’t quite see it like that, but I countered that perhaps Leonard was “seeking an ally.,” and he seemed OK with that frame.  It’s actor-speak, but for me there is a big difference between a “want” and a task (“to seek”).  Wants & needs may motivate, but they are undifferentiated.  Like some scientists’ notions of emotions as “states of action readiness,”  I think needs/urges/desires/wants are also general energy states that PROMPT but do not specify ACTION.  Therefore, FROM the wanting to be liked, Leonard SEEKS allies to his worldview.  Like the Man, Leonard is displaced–and his displacement seems to come out of his own tenuous grasp of his own sanity.  He sees conspiracies all around and lunatics, too.  Who WOULDN’T doubt their sanity in such a world?  It is, then, imperative to find others like oneself–to verify one’s sanity.  “I think X, therefore I AM,”  but unless someone else thinks X, too…am I?